Joseph Johnson, letter, to Eleazar Wheelock, 1768 December 28
Date28 December, 1768
Call Number768678.2
abstractJohnson writes a long and melancholy letter confessing his sins and failures, and asking forgiveness.
handwritingHandwriting is small and somewhat uneven, but mostly clear and legible. The trailer is in an unknown hand.
paperThere are two separate sheets of paper: a large sheet folded in half to make four pages, and a large single sheet. The former is in good condition, with light staining, creasing and wear. The latter is also in good condition, but with more wear along the creases and some preservation work.
inkBlack-brown ink is slightly faded in spots.
Modernized Version Deletions removed; additions added in; modern spelling and capitalization added; unfamiliar abbreviations expanded.
Rev. and Ever honoured Dr.
‐on in Writing to you; But this once more give me leave to
acquaint you my Once kind Benefactor, the Case I at pres‐
ent am in; But as I have So often been found deceitful,
I know not as you will have patience to Read over this
my pretended Confession, as I said, Seeing I have showed
So much Deceitfulness in my pretensions, and Undertak
ings, Since I have been Capable of being Improved
in some good way; But for Grant,— Which way, to Betake
myself — I know not, I am at a stand. honoured Sir; to retu‐
‐rn to you whom I have so greatly grieved, I dare not;
I am ashamed, and Conscience stings me to the very heart;
I am Sorry; my spirits cast down, Methinks, I feel in
Some measure the down Cast spirits of Cain when
he received his curse; but no Equal to his; though my —
Crimes are more than Equal, the thoughts of your
School haunts my mind daily, and to turn my face
that way I dare not, I see nothing but my Actions
in the deepest dye of Ingratitude stare me in the face
which Causes my heart to faint Under the thoughts
of Returning; but what Course to take, I know that
god is everywhere, and is Acquainted with Actions
past. and will punish without Mercy those that
Be disobedient to his Laws, and Commandment
ere long. — — —
glimpse of hope yet, Some way of Being Recovered from this
Unhappy State. though at other times all hopes Vanish
and leave me Under the Unfortunate Circumstances of a
Dissolute mind, which Roams at large with an Unsteady
temper. Once this Course of Life, at another that, but all
seem to yield no Comfort nor Satisfaction to My destitute
Condition. But this encourages me at this time to make
this feeble Attempt, that you are ready to forgive when you
see a true Real and hearty sorrow for their Misconduct.
But how can I make my sorrow Credible — which
none can Believe, but those that take Notice of me and
see it in my countenance which is Sad daily — upon
the thoughts of my past Behaviour. with how little
Consideration have I spent my past time little car‐
‐ing whether I did any good or no Either to myself or
anyone Else. this I am sensible that your kind dispositi
‐on towards the Indians is very Great. neither am
I less sensible that my ungrateful, and vicious Actions
deserve Gods, and your highest Displeasure: —
it seems that I am forced to try the best Endeavours
in order to get myself once more under your kind directi‐
‐on though I Undergo Ever so much that I Might at last at‐
‐tain my End; though you sentence me to Ever so severe pu
‐nishment, or Even Banish me to the Unknown corner of the
world. yet I Believe I will wholly Leave myself to your
entire disposal. had you punished me Ever so severe and after
‐wards, sent or Bound me to an austere man. I should not
have been so Uncomfortable — for then I should have been
in my duty but now seem to be lost no one to Order or di‐
‐rect me, but wholly trust to giddy chance of fate.
living (for both of these I have) or of enduring hardships (for I do
live well and Easy as Ever I did during my whole Life) that I
want to Return to you, but entirely Because I am not in
my duty or in the way that God requires
Good God seems to be yet lengthening out his mercy to
me, though I have so openly Rebelled against Him, and has
graciously guided my doubtful steps and has kept me
In good health, and not only that but has this once more
put me under an advantage of gaining Instruction.
Here I am Under the Roof of the servant of God, by whose
kind advice, admonition, and precaution, Restrained me
from seafaring way which if I pursued would beyond
all doubt been the Ruin of me both for time and Eternity.
here he has persuaded me to stay and given me the privilege
of his Library out of which this winter I hope to gain
Instruction. here I am Under great Advantage of getting
knowledge, though far Short of what I could get at your
house. where I was as it were daily Under the droopings
of the Sanctuary. what would I give Even all that I have
or all that my care or Industry would gain Could I Recall
these fatal hours which which I consumed in senseless
vanities for now they Increase and Urge my pain and
trouble my Rest, Rest I have none in my Mind. I
am daily vexed with myself for my wickedness I am
sensible that I have been guilty of the most heinous
Sins which has hurt and wounded the Redeemers Cause
and been of great disadvantage to your school and dis‐
grace to the Religion of Christ. although great part has
been by those who wished me well and had tender
Regards for me, Upon my promising a thorough
Reformation, has been Concealed. to my sorrow and
shame do I now Confess them, once, twice, yea three times
have I indulged myself in Brutish Ease whilst in the —
second on purpose perhaps can as well answer for that,
the Third and the Only one (Besides that of the last fall
which you have already had an Account of.) was taken
Notice of By the Indians which was Occasioned by the
temptation of the Devil and together with the Distresses of my
mind and Uneasiness which perhaps you are altogether Ign
‐norant of or anyone Else besides the Indians. which by the
advice of Thomas I publicly made Confession as is their
Custom. where they promised as it were to Bury in Oblivion
and let things be as if it never happened so. That of the last
fall I can say no more than has already been said of it.
These taken in Rank has been my misconduct and Ruin.
as well as in many other which are well known to you.
I am sensible but too late it is no advantage to Cover things, under
deceit, as to any more of my Crimes they have perhaps already
shown themselves or will ever long. — Thus have I in
few faint words tried to Communicate my Thoughts to
you, with hopes and raised Expectations of being favoured
with an Answer. though I do not deserve the least Notice or
Regards taken of what I write or say. yet this Once
grant that my mind may be at Ease in some measure
Either so much Condescend as to give me a word of encourage‐
ment. which will afresh Revive my Drooping spirits
and kindle a new flame of Gratitude in me, in which way
might kind heaven grant I might End my days.
But if on the other hand which I most justly deserve, that
you would turn a deaf Ear to my humble petition as I did
to your most kind Advices warnings, and Labours of love
for my own good and none Else the Returns of the same
is what I fear and justly Expect
if this—
a Bitter cry as Esau when he lost his Blessing. Then should I
in sadness spend the Remainder of my days, and would kind
Heaven grant, that I might be prepared to die; and then kind
‐ly put an End to my Miseries. honoured Sir; Should I say that
this was from the bottom of my Heart, perhaps like the Rest
would be full of Deceit, but I shall no longer trouble you with this
Unhappy Subject. I would just inform you that through the bound‐
‐less goodness of god I have Enjoyed my Unprofitable health, and
I hope that God has Indulged you with your health as Usual.
I am so guilty that I have no heart to write any more only
this whether I shall be so happy as to be Indulged with a word
of encouragement, or so Unhappy as to entirely be Excluded I humbly
Beg that you would Be so kind as to send me a word of Answer
Between this and the spring if you please So as I might be assured
one way or the other. pardon me if I have wrote anything that seem to
have an air of pride for I feel much otherwise disposed. These few
Lines with my best wishes for the prosperity of all your Vast Un
[gap: stain][guess: der]takings I humbly Recommend to your wise Consideration
and now suffer me the honour of subscribing myself
once humble servant though more the devils.
Joseph Johnson.
now living at providence
at Dr. Samuel Carrews an
Inn holder west side of the
Great Bridge. —
The Reverend,
Eleazar Wheelock
D. D.
Lebanon.
Connecticut
per favour of
Mr. [illegible][guess: ] salster]