Hezekiah Calvin, letter to Eleazar Wheelock, 1768 March
Date1768-03
ms number768240.1
abstractCalvin confesses to a troubled mind and to regret at having considered marrying at too young an age. He asks permission to go home.
handwritingFormal handwriting is clear and legible.
paperSingle, medium-sized sheet is in good condition, with light-to-moderate staining, creasing and wear.
inkDark-brown. The nib of the pen appears to change midway through one recto.
noteworthyOn one verso, an unknown hand that may or may not be Calvin's has started and abandoned an address.
signatureThe signature is abbreviated.
Persistent Identifier
These Lines I write in order to inform you under my undsteadyneſs of Mind, what it is, that so much besets me in thoſe most horrid Crimes of lately, is (1st) becauſe I have
^[left]thought^ myself past hopes of forgiveneſs from God, & that I could not make myself any better after it. & that my Days were but few, & that thoſe few I intended to spend to serve Satan;
& to take what pleaſure I could here on Earth, while I tar‐ ryed here in the Woreld, such were my wicked thoughts.
^[left]2dly^. My Mind has been uneaſy, but being some bashful I had it not in my heart to tell, but thought in
myself to break a way privately, & yet I cant tell now without blushing, but think‐ ing it my
Duty, it constrains me to break forth in this manner, Wretched now that I am, that
ever I thought of a Conjugal state when I was, & am yet Young for that state which has Continually been in my Breast since
the Dor encouraged me in it,(I do'nt mean to reflect on the Docr) but on myself, being so foolish as to entertain such a thought in my
Breast, then being so Young. I must own that, that ^it^ was a
Strong Motive in my misbehaving at Fort
Hunter among the Mohawks; nothing was
in my thoughts but being Mar–d, & My thoughts being captivated with this, has been a strong Motive to
get me into intemperace, thinking I should be turned away from the
School, & so it was from one Crime to another hoping the same, but what a sordid
thoughts are theſe attempting such an Action as this without the Doc.rs knowledge &c
There is something that makes me want to go home, what, I cant tell, Home is in my
Mind all the time I want to go Home soon & see my Relations, & it seems to me to Tarry home a while or all the Time, & let me see if that I am able to support myself, I have tarryed upon Charity long enough, when I have had no more Gratitude to my
Benefactors than I have had done, but all prove to the Contrary, instead of being
grateful, I am as ungrate‐ ful as a Beast, which lays near to my
Mind I had rather go home & be turn'd out of the School which I have thought has been my Portion for some time I am
uneaſy while I am here & think upon home, if the Doc.r is pleaſ'd to give me liberty to I will go, but with much shame & Contempt of myself, &c
I remain Your Undutiful
& Ungrateful Servant
H Calvin
[bottom]From Hez: Calvin
March 1768
Loading...