Hezekiah Calvin, letter to Eleazar Wheelock, 1768 March
Date1768-03
abstractCalvin confesses to a troubled mind and to regret at having considered marrying at too young an age. He asks permission to go home.
RepositoryRauner Special Collections Library, Dartmouth College.
Call Number768240.1
handwritingFormal handwriting is clear and legible.
paperSingle, medium-sized sheet is in good condition, with light-to-moderate staining, creasing and wear.
inkDark-brown. The nib of the pen appears to change midway through one recto.
noteworthyOn one verso, an unknown hand that may or may not be Calvin's has started and abandoned an address.
signatureThe signature is abbreviated.
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my unsteadiness of Mind, what it is, that so much besets me
in those most horrid Crimes of lately, is (1st) because I have
thought myself past hopes of forgiveness from God, and that I could not
make myself any better after it. and that my Days were but
few, and that those few I intended to spend to serve Satan;
and to take what pleasure I could here on Earth, while I tar
ried here in the World, such were my wicked thoughts.
2dly. My Mind has been uneasy, but being some bashful I had it not
in my heart to tell, but thought in myself to break away
privately, and yet I cant tell now without blushing, but think‐
ing it my Duty, it constrains me to break forth in this
manner, Wretched now that I am, that ever I thought of
a Conjugal state when I was, and am yet Young for that state
which has Continually been in my Breast since the Doctor
encouraged me in it,(I don't mean to reflect on the Doctor)
but on myself, being so foolish as to entertain such a
thought in my Breast, then being so Young. I must
own that, that it was a Strong Motive in my misbehaving
at Fort Hunter among the Mohawks; nothing was in
my thoughts but being married, and My thoughts being
captivated with this, has been a strong Motive to get
me into intemperance, thinking I should be turned
away from the School, and so it was from one Crime
to another hoping the same, but what a sordid
thoughts are these attempting such an Action
as this without the Doctor's knowledge etc.
what, I cant tell, Home is in my Mind all the time
I want to go Home soon and see my Relations, and it seems
to me to Tarry home a while or all the Time, and let me see
if that I am able to support myself, I have tarried upon
Charity long enough, when I have had no more Gratitude
to my Benefactors than I have had done, but all prove
to the Contrary, instead of being grateful, I am as ungrate‐
ful as a Beast, which lays near to my Mind I had rather
go home and be turned out of the School which I have
thought has been my Portion for some time I am
uneasy while I am here and think upon home, if
the Doctor is pleased to give me liberty to I will go, but
with much shame and Contempt of myself, etc.
I remain Your Undutiful
and Ungrateful Servant Hezekiah Calvin