Providence,
Decembr
December
28th
28th
1768-9
Revd
Rev.
and Ever honoured
Doct.r
Dr.
forgive me for my Repeated
pre&slong;umti
‐on
presumpti‐
‐on
in Writing to you; But this once more give me leave to
acquaint you my Once
kind Benefactor, the
Ca&slong;e
Case
I at
pre‐
‐&slong;ent
pres‐
ent
am in; But as I have So often been found
deceitfull
deceitful
,
I know not as you will have
patiance
patience
to Read over this
my pretended
Confe&slong;sion
Confession
, as I
&slong;aid
said
, Seeing I have
&slong;hewed
showed
So much
Deciitfullne&slong;s
Deceitfulness
in my
pretentions
pretensions
,
&
and
Undertak
ings, Since I have been Capable of being Improved
in
&slong;ome
some
good way; But for Grant,— Which way, to Betake
my&slong;elf
myself
— I know not, I am at a
&slong;tand
stand
.
hond
honoured
Sir; to retu‐
‐rn to you whom I have
&slong;o
so
greatly grieved, I dare not;
I am
a&slong;hamed
ashamed
,
&
and
Concience
Conscience
&slong;tings
stings
me to the very heart;
I am Sorry; my
&slong;perits
spirits
cast down, Methinks, I feel in
Some
mea&slong;ure
measure
the down Cast
&slong;pirits
spirits
of Cain when
he received his curse; but no Equal to his;
tho
though
my —
Crimes are more than Equal, the thoughts of your
School haunts my mind
day-ly
daily
, and to turn my face
that way I dare not, I
&slong;ee
see
nothing but my Actions
in the deepest dye of Ingratitude
&slong;tare
stare
me in the face
which
Cau&slong;es
Causes
my heart to faint Under the thoughts
of Returning; but what
Cour&slong;e
Course
to take, I know that
god is
Every whire
everywhere
, and is Acquainted with Actions
past. and will punish without Mercy
tho&slong;e
those
that
Be
Dis Obedient
disobedient
to his Laws, and Commandment
Er
ere
long. — — —
But how, it
&slong;eems
seems
as if there was
&slong;ome
some
probability,
&slong;ome
some
glimpse of hope yet, Some way of Being Recovered from this
Unhappy
State.
Tho
though
at other times all hopes Vanish
and
lave
leave
me Under the Unfortunate
Circum&slong;tances
Circumstances
of a
Dis&slong;olate
Dissolute
mind, which Roams at large with an
Un&slong;teady
Unsteady
temper. Once this
Cour&slong;e
Course
of Life, at another that, but all
&slong;eem
seem
to yield no Comfort nor Satisfaction to My
distitute
destitute
Condition. But this
Encourges
encourages
me at this time to make
this feeble Attempt, that you are ready to forgive
when you
&slong;ee
see
a true Real and hearty
&slong;orrow
sorrow
for
there
their
Misconduct.
But how can I make my
&slong;orrow
sorrow
Credible — which
none can Believe, but
tho&slong;e
those
that take Notice of me
&
and
&slong;ee
see
it in my
Countinence
countenance
which is Sad
day ly
daily
— upon
the thoughts of my past Behaviour. with how little
Consideration have I
&slong;pent
spent
my past time little car‐
‐ing whether I did any good
or no Either to
my&slong;elf
myself
or
any One
anyone
El&slong;e
Else
. this I am
&slong;ensable
sensible
that your kind dispositi
‐on towards the Indians is very
Great. neither am
I
le&slong;s
less
Sinsable
sensible
that my
Ungratfull
ungrateful
,
&
and
Vitious
vicious
Actions
de&slong;erve
deserve
Gods, and your highest
Displea&slong;ure
Displeasure
: —
it
&slong;eems
seems
that I am forced to try
in order to get
my &slong;elf
myself
once more under your kind directi‐
‐on
tho
though
I Undergo Ever
&slong;o
so
much that I Might at last at‐
‐tain my End;
tho
though
you
&slong;entance
sentence
me to Ever
&slong;o
so
&slong;evere
severe
pu
‐nishment, or Even Banish me to the Unknown corner of
ye
the
world. yet I Believe I will wholly Leave
my &slong;elf
myself
to your
Intire
entire
dispo&slong;al
disposal
. had you punished me Ever
&slong;o
so
&slong;evere
severe
and after
‐wards,
&slong;ent
sent
or Bound me to an
au&slong;tere
austere
man. I
&slong;hould
should
not
have been
&slong;o
so
Uncomfortable — for then I
&slong;hould
should
have been
in my duty but now
&slong;eeme
seem
to be lost no one to Order or di‐
‐rect me, but
wholly trust to giddy chance of fate.
It is neither for want of Improvement, nor for want of good‐
living
(for
booth
both
of
the&slong;e
these
I have) or of
Induring
enduring
hard &slong;hips
hardships
(for I do
live well and
Ea&slong;y
Easy
as Ever I did during my whole Life) that I
want to Return to you, but
Intirely
entirely
Becau&slong;e
Because
I am not in
my duty or in the way that God
Requires.
requires
Good God
&slong;eems
seems
to be yet
lenghtening
lengthening
out his mercy to
me,
tho
though
I have
&slong;o
so
openly
Rebeled
Rebelled
against Him, and has
gracious ly
graciously
guided my
Doubtfull
doubtful
&slong;teps
steps
and has kept me
In good health, and not only that but has this once
more
put me under an advantage of gaining
In&slong;truction
Instruction
.
Here I am Under the Roof of the
&slong;arvant
servant
of God, by
who&slong;e
whose
kind advice, admonition, and precaution,
Re&slong;trained
Restrained
me
from
&slong;eafaring
seafaring
way which if I
per&slong;ued
pursued
would
Beyound
beyond
all doubt been the Ruin of me
booth
both
for time
&
and
Eternity.
here he has
per&slong;uaded
persuaded
me to
&slong;tay
stay
and given me the
Previledg
privilege
of his Library out of which this winter I hope to gain
In&slong;truction
Instruction
. here I am Under great Advantage of
geting
getting
knowledge,
tho
though
far Short of what I could get at your
hou&slong;e
house
. where I was as it were
day ly
daily
Under the droopings
of the Sanctuary. what would I give Even all that I
have
or all that my care or Industry
woud
would
would gain dCould I Recall
the&slong;e
these
fatal hours which which I
con&slong;umed
consumed
in
&slong;en&slong;le&slong;s
senseless
vanities for now they
Increa&slong;e
Increase
and Urge my pain and
trouble my Rest, Rest I have none in my Mind. I
am
day ly
daily
Vext
vexed
with
my &slong;elf
myself
for my
wickedne&slong;s
wickedness
I am
Sensable
sensible
that I have been guilty of the most heinous
Sins which has hurt and wounded
the Redeemers
Cau&slong;e
Cause
and been of great disadvantage to your
&slong;chool
school
and dis‐
grace to the Religion of Christ.
altho
although
great part has
been by
tho&slong;e
those
who wished me well and had tender
Regards for me, Upon my promising a
thurrow
thorough
Reformation, has been Concealed. to my
&slong;orrow
sorrow
and
&slong;hame
shame
do I now
Confe&slong;s
Confess
them, once, twice, yea three times
have I indulged
my &slong;elf
myself
in Brutish
Ea&slong;e
Ease
whilst in the —
wilderne&slong;
wilderness
, first
Accidently
Accidentally
and can well
an&slong;wer
answer
for it.
&slong;econd
second
on
purpo&slong;e
purpose
perhaps can as well
an&slong;wer
answer
for that,
the Third and the Only one (
Be&slong;ides
Besides
that of the last fall
which you have already had an Account of.) was taken
Notice of By the Indians which was
Occa&slong;ioned
Occasioned
by the
temptation of the Devil and together with the
Di&slong;tre&slong;ses
Distresses
of my
mind and
Unea&slong;sine&slong;s
Uneasiness
which perhaps you are altogether Ign
‐norant of or
any one
anyone
El&slong;e
Else
be&slong;ides
besides
the Indians. which by
ye
the
advice of Thomas I
publickly
publicly
made
Confe&slong;sion
Confession
as is their
Custom. where they promised as it were to Bury in Oblivion
and let things be as if it never happened
&slong;o
so
. That of the last
fall I can
&slong;ay
say
no more than has already been
&slong;aid
said
of it.
The&slong;e
These
taken in Rank has been my misconduct
&
and
Ruin.
as well as in many other which are well known to you.
I am
&slong;ensable
sensible
but too late
tis
it is
no advantage to Cover things, under
deceit, as to any more of my Crimes
they have perhaps already
shewn
shown
them&slong;elves
themselves
or will
E'er
ever
long. — Thus have I in
few faint words
tryed
tried
to Communicate my Thoughts to
you, with hopes and
rai&slong;ed
raised
Expectations of being
favourd
favoured
with an
An&slong;wer
Answer
.
Tho
though
I
dont
do not
de&slong;irve
deserve
the least Notice or
Regards taken of what I write or
&slong;ay
say
. yet this Once
grant that my mind may be at
Ea&slong;e
Ease
in
&slong;ome
some
mea&slong;ure
measure
Either
&slong;o
so
much
Conde&slong;end
Condescend
as to give me a word of
Incourage
‐ment
encourage‐
ment
. which will
afre&slong;h
afresh
Revive my Drooping
&slong;pirits
spirits
and kindle a new flame of Gratitude in me, in
which way
might kind heaven grant I might End my days.
But if on the other hand
which I most justly
de&slong;erve
deserve
, that
you would turn a deaf Ear to my humble petition as I did
to your
most kind Advices warnings, and Labours of love
for my own good and none
El&slong;e
Else
the Returns of the
&slong;ame
same
is what I fear and justly Expect
if this—
if this would Be the Event, I must in
&slong;ilence
silence
depart, and weep with
a Bitter cry as
E&slong;au
Esau
when he lost his
Ble&slong;sing
Blessing
. Then
&slong;hould
should
I
in
&slong;adne&slong;s
sadness
&slong;pend
spend
the Remainder of my days, and would kind
Heaven grant, that I might be
prepared to die; and then kind
‐ly put an End to my
Mi&slong;erys
Miseries
.
Hond
honoured
Sir; Should I
&slong;ay
say
that
this was from the
Boottom
bottom
of my Heart, perhaps like the
Re&slong;t
Rest
would be full of Deceit, but I
&slong;hall
shall
no longer trouble you with
this
this
Unhappy Subject. I would just
Enform
inform
you that through the
Bound
‐le&slong;s
bound‐
‐less
goodne&slong;s
goodness
of god I have Enjoyed my Unprofitable health, and
I hope that God has
Indulged you with your health as
U&slong;ual
Usual
.
I am so guilty that I have no heart to write any more only
this
whether I
&slong;hall
shall
be
&slong;o
so
happy as to be Indulged with a word
of
Incouragement
encouragement
, or
&slong;o
so
Unhappy as to
Intirely
entirely
be Excluded I humbly
Beg that you would
Be&slong;o
Be so
kind as to
&slong;end
send
me a word of
An&slong;wer
Answer
Between this and the
&slong;pring
spring
if you
plea&slong;e
please
So as I might be
a&slong;sured
assured
one way or the other. pardon me if I have wrote
any thing
anything
that
&slong;eem
seem
to
have an air of pride for I feel much
otherwi&slong;e
otherwise
di&slong;po&slong;ed
disposed
.
The&slong;e
These
few
Lines with my best
wi&slong;hes
wishes
for the
pro&slong;perity
prosperity
of all your Vast Un
dertakings I humbly
Recommend to your
wi&slong;e
wise
Con&slong;ideration
Consideration
and now
&slong;uffer
suffer
me the honour of
&slong;ub&slong;cribing
subscribing
my&slong;elf
myself
your
once humble
&slong;ervant
servant
tho
though
more the devils.
Jo&slong;eph
Joseph
John&slong;on
Johnson
.
now living at providence
at
Dr
Dr.
&slong;amuel
Samuel
Carrews an
Inholder
Inn holder
west&slong;ide
west side
of the
Great Bridge. —
To —
the
Revd
Rev.
Doctr
Dr.
Eleazar Wheelock.
Jos:
Joseph
Johnson's
Dec.r
December
28. 1768