Joseph Johnson, letter, to Eleazar Wheelock, 1768 December 28

Author Johnson, Joseph

Date28 December, 1768

ms number768678.2

abstractJohnson writes a long and melancholy letter confessing his sins and failures, and asking forgiveness.

handwritingHandwriting is small and somewhat uneven, but mostly clear and legible. The trailer is in an unknown hand.

paperThere are two separate sheets of paper: a large sheet folded in half to make four pages, and a large single sheet. The former is in good condition, with light staining, creasing and wear. The latter is also in good condition, but with more wear along the creases and some preservation work.

inkBlack-brown ink is slightly faded in spots.

Modernized Version Deletions removed; additions added in; modern spelling and capitalization added; unfamiliar abbreviations expanded.

Persistent Identifier
Rev. and Ever honoured Dr.
forgive me for my Repeated presumpti‐‐on in Writing to you; But this once more give me leave to acquaint you my Once kind Benefactor, the Case I at pres‐ent am in; But as I have So often been found deceitful, I know not as you will have patience to Read over this my pretended Confession, as I said, Seeing I have showed So much Deceitfulness in my pretensions, and Undertak ings, Since I have been Capable of being Improved in some good way; But for Grant,— Which way, to Betake myself — I know not, I am at a stand. honoured Sir; to retu‐‐rn to you whom I have so greatly grieved, I dare not; I am ashamed, and Conscience stings me to the very heart; I am Sorry; my spirits cast down, Methinks, I feel in Some measure the down Cast spirits of Cain when he received his curse; but no Equal to his; though my — Crimes are more than Equal, the thoughts of your School haunts my mind daily, and to turn my face that way I dare not, I see nothing but my Actions in the deepest dye of Ingratitude stare me in the face which Causes my heart to faint Under the thoughts of Returning; but what Course to take, I know that god is everywhere, and is Acquainted with Actions past. and will punish without Mercy those that Be disobedient to his Laws, and Commandment ere long. — — —
But how, it seems as if there was some probability, some glimpse of hope yet, Some way of Being Recovered from this Unhappy State. though at other times all hopes Vanish and leave me Under the Unfortunate Circumstances of a Dissolute mind, which Roams at large with an Unsteady temper. Once this Course of Life, at another that, but all seem to yield no Comfort nor Satisfaction to My destitute Condition. But this encourages me at this time to make this feeble Attempt, that you are ready to forgive when you see a true Real and hearty sorrow for their Misconduct. But how can I make my sorrow Credible — which none can Believe, but those that take Notice of me and see it in my countenance which is Sad daily — upon the thoughts of my past Behaviour. with how little Consideration have I spent my past time little car‐‐ing whether I did any good or no Either to myself or anyone Else. this I am sensible that your kind dispositi‐on towards the Indians is very Great. neither am I less sensible that my ungrateful, and vicious Actions deserve Gods, and your highest Displeasure: — it seems that I am forced to try the best Endeavours in order to get myself once more under your kind directi‐‐on though I Undergo Ever so much that I Might at last at‐‐tain my End; though you sentence me to Ever so severe pu‐nishment, or Even Banish me to the Unknown corner of the world. yet I Believe I will wholly Leave myself to your entire disposal. had you punished me Ever so severe and after‐wards, sent or Bound me to an austere man. I should not have been so Uncomfortable — for then I should have been in my duty but now seem to be lost no one to Order or di‐‐rect me, but wholly trust to giddy chance of fate.
It is neither for want of Improvement, nor for want of good‐living (for both of these I have) or of enduring hardships (for I do live well and Easy as Ever I did during my whole Life) that I want to Return to you, but entirely Because I am not in my duty or in the way that God requires Good God seems to be yet lengthening out his mercy to me, though I have so openly Rebelled against Him, and has graciously guided my doubtful steps and has kept me In good health, and not only that but has this once more put me under an advantage of gaining Instruction. Here I am Under the Roof of the servant of God, by whose kind advice, admonition, and precaution, Restrained me from seafaring way which if I pursued would beyond all doubt been the Ruin of me both for time and Eternity. here he has persuaded me to stay and given me the privilege of his Library out of which this winter I hope to gain Instruction. here I am Under great Advantage of getting knowledge, though far Short of what I could get at your house. where I was as it were daily Under the droopings of the Sanctuary. what would I give Even all that I have or all that my care or Industry would gain Could I Recall these fatal hours which which I consumed in senseless vanities for now they Increase and Urge my pain and trouble my Rest, Rest I have none in my Mind. I am daily vexed with myself for my wickedness I am sensible that I have been guilty of the most heinous Sins which has hurt and wounded the Redeemers Cause and been of great disadvantage to your school and dis‐grace to the Religion of Christ. although great part has been by those who wished me well and had tender Regards for me, Upon my promising a thorough Reformation, has been Concealed. to my sorrow and shame do I now Confess them, once, twice, yea three times have I indulged myself in Brutish Ease whilst in the —
wilderness, first Accidentally and can well answer for it. second on purpose perhaps can as well answer for that, the Third and the Only one (Besides that of the last fall which you have already had an Account of.) was taken Notice of By the Indians which was Occasioned by the temptation of the Devil and together with the Distresses of my mind and Uneasiness which perhaps you are altogether Ign‐norant of or anyone Else besides the Indians. which by the advice of Thomas I publicly made Confession as is their Custom. where they promised as it were to Bury in Oblivion and let things be as if it never happened so. That of the last fall I can say no more than has already been said of it. These taken in Rank has been my misconduct and Ruin. as well as in many other which are well known to you. I am sensible but too late it is no advantage to Cover things, under deceit, as to any more of my Crimes they have perhaps already shown themselves or will ever long. — Thus have I in few faint words tried to Communicate my Thoughts to you, with hopes and raised Expectations of being favoured with an Answer. though I do not deserve the least Notice or Regards taken of what I write or say. yet this Once grant that my mind may be at Ease in some measure Either so much Condescend as to give me a word of encourage‐ment. which will afresh Revive my Drooping spirits and kindle a new flame of Gratitude in me, in which way might kind heaven grant I might End my days. But if on the other hand which I most justly deserve, that you would turn a deaf Ear to my humble petition as I did to your most kind Advices warnings, and Labours of love for my own good and none Else the Returns of the same is what I fear and justly Expect  if this—
if this would Be the Event, I must in silence depart, and weep with a Bitter cry as Esau when he lost his Blessing. Then should I in sadness spend the Remainder of my days, and would kind Heaven grant, that I might be prepared to die; and then kind‐ly put an End to my Miseries. honoured Sir; Should I say that this was from the bottom of my Heart, perhaps like the Rest would be full of Deceit, but I shall no longer trouble you with this Unhappy Subject. I would just inform you that through the bound‐‐less goodness of god I have Enjoyed my Unprofitable health, and I hope that God has Indulged you with your health as Usual. I am so guilty that I have no heart to write any more only this whether I shall be so happy as to be Indulged with a word of encouragement, or so Unhappy as to entirely be Excluded I humbly Beg that you would Be so kind as to send me a word of Answer Between this and the spring if you please So as I might be assured one way or the other. pardon me if I have wrote anything that seem to have an air of pride for I feel much otherwise disposed. These few Lines with my best wishes for the prosperity of all your Vast Un [gap: stain][guess: der]takings I humbly Recommend to your wise Consideration and now suffer me the honour of subscribing myself
your once humble servant though more the devils. Joseph Johnson. now living at providence at Dr. Samuel Carrews an Inn holder west side of the Great Bridge. —
To — the Rev. Dr. Eleazar Wheelock.
Joseph Johnson's December 28. 1768
To — The Reverend, Eleazar Wheelock D. D. Lebanon. Connecticut per favour of Mr. [illegible][guess: ] salster]
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