Providence, December
28th 1768-9
Rev. and Ever honoured Dr.
forgive me for my Repeated presumpti‐
‐on in Writing to you; But this once more give me leave to
acquaint you my Once
kind Benefactor, the Case I at pres‐
ent am in; But as I have So often been found
deceitful,
I know not as you will have patience to Read over this
my pretended Confession, as I said, Seeing I have showed
So much Deceitfulness in my pretensions, and Undertak
ings, Since I have been Capable of being Improved
in some good way; But for Grant,— Which way, to Betake
myself — I know not, I am at a stand. honoured Sir; to retu‐
‐rn to you whom I have so greatly grieved, I dare not;
I am ashamed, and
Conscience
stings me to the very heart;
I am Sorry; my spirits cast down, Methinks, I feel in
Some measure the down Cast spirits of Cain when
he received his curse; but no Equal to his; though my —
Crimes are more than Equal, the thoughts of
your School haunts my mind daily, and to turn my face
that way I dare not, I see nothing but my Actions
in the deepest dye of Ingratitude stare me in the face
which Causes my heart to faint Under the thoughts
of Returning; but what Course to take, I know that
god is everywhere, and is Acquainted with Actions
past. and will punish without Mercy those that
Be disobedient to his Laws, and Commandment
ere long. — — —
But how, it seems as if there was some probability, some glimpse of hope yet, Some way of Being Recovered from this Unhappy
State. though at other times all hopes Vanish and leave me Under the Unfortunate Circumstances of a
Dissolute mind, which Roams at large with an Unsteady temper. Once this Course of Life, at another that, but all
seem to yield no Comfort nor Satisfaction to My destitute
Condition. But this encourages me at this time to make this feeble Attempt, that you are ready to forgive
when you
see a true Real and hearty sorrow for their Misconduct. But how can I make my sorrow Credible — which none can Believe, but those that take Notice of me and
see it in my countenance which is Sad daily — upon the thoughts of my past Behaviour. with how little
Consideration have I spent my past time little car‐‐ing whether I did any good
or no Either to myself or
anyone
Else. this I am sensible that your kind dispositi‐on towards the Indians is very
Great. neither am I less
sensible that my ungrateful, and
vicious Actions
deserve Gods, and your highest Displeasure: — it seems that I am forced to try the best
Endeavours in order to get myself once more under your kind directi‐‐on though I Undergo Ever so much that I Might at last at‐‐tain my End; though you sentence me to Ever so
severe pu‐nishment, or Even Banish me to the Unknown corner of the
world. yet I Believe I will wholly Leave myself to your
entire
disposal. had you punished me Ever so
severe and after‐wards, sent or Bound me to an austere man. I should not have been so Uncomfortable — for then I should have been in my duty but now seem to be lost no one to Order or di‐‐rect me, but
wholly trust to giddy chance of fate.
It is neither for want of Improvement, nor for want of good‐
living
(for both of these I have) or of enduring
hardships (for I do
live well and Easy as Ever I did during my whole Life) that I
want to Return to you, but entirely
Because I am not in
my duty or in the way that God requires
Good God seems to be yet lengthening out his mercy to
me, though I have so openly Rebelled against Him, and has
graciously guided my doubtful
steps and has kept me
In good health, and not only that but has this once
more
put me under an advantage of gaining Instruction.
Here I am Under the Roof of the servant of God, by whose
kind advice, admonition, and precaution, Restrained me
from seafaring way which if I pursued would beyond
all doubt been the Ruin of me both for time and Eternity.
here he has persuaded me to stay and given me the privilege
of his Library out of which this winter I hope to gain
Instruction. here I am Under great Advantage of getting
knowledge, though far Short of what I could get at your
house. where I was as it were daily Under the droopings
of the Sanctuary. what would I give Even all that I
have
or all that my care or Industry would gain Could I Recall
these fatal hours which which I consumed in senseless
vanities for now they Increase and Urge my pain and
trouble my Rest, Rest I have none in my Mind. I
am daily
vexed with myself for my wickedness I am
sensible that I have been guilty of the most heinous
Sins which has hurt and wounded
the Redeemers Cause
and been of great disadvantage to
your school and dis‐
grace to the Religion of Christ. although great part has
been by those who wished me well and had tender
Regards for me, Upon my promising a thorough
Reformation, has been Concealed. to my sorrow and
shame do I now Confess them, once, twice, yea three times
have I indulged myself in Brutish Ease whilst in the —
wilderness, first Accidentally and can well answer for it.
second on purpose perhaps can as well answer for that,
the Third and the Only one (Besides that of the last fall
which you have already had an Account of.) was taken
Notice of By the Indians which was Occasioned by the
temptation of the Devil and together with the Distresses of my
mind and Uneasiness which perhaps you are altogether Ign
‐norant of or anyone
Else
besides the Indians. which by the
advice of
Thomas I publicly made Confession as is their
Custom. where they promised as it were to Bury in
Oblivion and let things be as if it never happened so. That of the last
fall I can say no more than has already been said of it.
These taken in Rank has been my misconduct and Ruin.
as well as in many other which are well known to you.
I am sensible but too late it is no advantage to Cover things, under
deceit, as to any more of my Crimes
they have perhaps already
shown
themselves or will ever long. — Thus have I in
few faint words tried to Communicate my Thoughts to
you, with hopes and raised Expectations of being favoured
with an Answer. though I do not
deserve the least Notice or
Regards taken of what I write or say. yet this Once
grant that my mind may be at Ease in some
measure
Either so much Condescend as to give me a word of encourage‐
ment. which will afresh Revive my Drooping spirits
and kindle a new flame of Gratitude in me, in
which way
might kind heaven grant I might End my days.
But if on the other hand
which I most justly deserve, that
you would turn a deaf Ear to my humble petition as I did
to your
most kind Advices warnings, and Labours of love
for my own good and none Else the Returns of the same
is what I fear and justly Expect
if this—
if this would Be the Event, I must in silence depart, and weep with a Bitter cry as Esau when he lost his Blessing. Then should I in sadness
spend the Remainder of my days, and would kind Heaven grant, that I might be
prepared to die; and then kind‐ly put an End to my Miseries. honoured Sir; Should I say that this was from the bottom of my Heart, perhaps like the Rest would be full of Deceit, but I shall no longer trouble you with this
Unhappy Subject. I would just inform you that through the bound‐‐less
goodness of god I have Enjoyed my Unprofitable health, and I hope that God has
Indulged you with your health as Usual. I am so guilty that I have no heart to write any more only this
whether I shall be so happy as to be Indulged with a word of encouragement, or so Unhappy as to entirely be Excluded I humbly Beg that you would Be so kind as to send me a word of Answer Between this and the spring if you please So as I might be assured one way or the other. pardon me if I have wrote anything that seem to have an air of pride for I feel much otherwise
disposed. These few Lines with my best wishes for the prosperity of all your Vast Un
[gap: stain][guess: der]takings I humbly
Recommend to your wise
Consideration and now suffer me the honour of subscribing
myself