Hezekiah Calvin, letter to Eleazar Wheelock, 1768 March

Author Calvin, Hezekiah

Date1768-03

Call Number768240.1

abstractCalvin confesses to a troubled mind and to regret at having considered marrying at too young an age. He asks permission to go home.

handwritingFormal handwriting is clear and legible.

paperSingle, medium-sized sheet is in good condition, with light-to-moderate staining, creasing and wear.

inkDark-brown. The nib of the pen appears to change midway through one recto.

noteworthyOn one verso, an unknown hand that may or may not be Calvin's has started and abandoned an address.

signatureThe signature is abbreviated.

Persistent Identifier

Revend Doc..r
These Lines I write in order to inform you under
my undsteadyneſs of Mind, what it is, that so much besets me
in thoſe most horrid Crimes of lately, is (1st) becauſe I have
[left]thought myself past hopes of forgiveneſs from God, & that I could not
make myself any better after it. & that my Days were but
few, & that thoſe few I intended to spend to serve Satan;
& to take what pleaſure I could here on Earth, while I tar‐
ryed here in the Woreld, such were my wicked thoughts.
[left]2dly. My Mind has been uneaſy, but being some bashful I had it not
in my heart to tell, but thought in myself to break a way
privately, & yet I cant tell now without blushing, but think‐
ing it my Duty, it constrains me to break forth in this
manner, Wretched now that I am, that ever I thought of
a Conjugal state when I was, & am yet Young for that state
which has Continually been in my Breast since the Dor
encouraged me in it,(I do'nt mean to reflect on the Docr)
but on myself, being so foolish as to entertain such a
thought in my Breast, then being so Young. I must
own that, that it was a Strong Motive in my misbehaving
at Fort Hunter among the Mohawks; nothing was in
my thoughts but being Mar–d, & My thoughts being
captivated with this, has been a strong Motive to get
me into intemperace, thinking I should be turned
away from the School, & so it was from one Crime
to another hoping the same, but what a sordid
thoughts are theſe attempting such an Action
as this without the Doc.rs knowledge &c
There is something that makes me want to go home,
what, I cant tell, Home is in my Mind all the time
I want to go Home soon & see my Relations, & it seems
to me to Tarry home a while or all the Time, & let me see
if that I am able to support myself, I have tarryed upon
Charity long enough, when I have had no more Gratitude
to my Benefactors than I have had done, but all prove
to the Contrary, instead of being grateful, I am as ungrate‐
ful as a Beast, which lays near to my Mind I had rather
go home & be turn'd out of the School which I have
thought has been my Portion for some time I am
uneaſy while I am here & think upon home, if
the Doc.r is pleaſ'd to give me liberty to I will go, but
with much shame & Contempt of myself, &c

 I remain Your Undutiful
 & Ungrateful Servant
H Calvin
[bottom]From Hez: Calvin
 March 1768

 For the Reverend
Mr Eleazer Wheelock D. D.
 Lebanon
[right]T
[right]To—
[right]The Reverend
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